Paperwings
by Kingofreaks
Summary: This story is inspired by a cover of Paperwings by Cauterize recommend listening to it before reading. Luan is in the hospital and there's been an accident but nothing can keep her from Sam's side even if she can only lie down beside her. Trigger warning self harm, death, cancer, mentions of suicide


I'm sitting in a hospital bed while my girlfriend's at prom with my best friend.

The kicker is I actually forced them to go and now here I am lying in bed with barely enough strength to lift my head, and all I can think of is her.

I'm getting ahead of myself the names Luna, Luna Loud and I have Leukemia.

I didn't really want to keep a journal I prefer doing lyrics but this head shrink who sees all is cancer kids.

Says it's important for us to know ourselves so when we get out of here we know what we want to do.

Personally I think it's just shit to just distract us from the fact were dying.

Only reason I'm doing this is cause when your trapped in a clean room while liquid poison flows through our veins there isn't much else to do, don't even have the strength to air drum..

So I'm lying down talking to myself while a mic in my sister's labtop picks up what I'm saying.

I'm not really sure where to start I could tell you about my ten siblings, about how when my first occurrence was at ten.

About how my fam rallied around me, about even with them surrounding your going through it alone.

I could talk about how I got better and stronger only for the cancer to reoccur.

By the way this is my third recurrence but that's something an every cancer kid could tell you a similar story.

I'd rather talk about Sam.

I've known Sam since I was a kid back when I was healthy we've been jamming out together since well feels like forever.

I know all the doctors tell me not to think about the things that I can't do like thrash out on my guitar, or crowd dive, or mosh.

They always say I'll be able to them again but I the only thing that doesn't change is Sam she's always there for me.

We became friends in elementary school after I'd broken my first guitar.

It had been an accident but I knew my parents would be disappointed, during recess I went and his then start to cry like proper bawling.

I guess I made some noise cause Sam found me and gave me a hug and asked what was wrong.

I told how m I'd tripped and broken my axe and she just smiled, the brightest most beautiful smile I've ever seen, and told me it would be alright that I could share hers.

After that we were always best friends during my first occurrence when I was ten I got really scared I thought I was headed to the big concert in the sky.

I was spending days in the clean room waiting for a bone marrow donor, all those divine siblings and none of them a great match.

But everyday Ellie would come by and try to cheer me.

Even with her there I felt like I was sliding down a bottomless pit.

One day when the docd thought I was sleeping they told my rents if they didn't find a donor soon then it didn't look good.

Later when Sam came I told her I was going to die I thought she was going to burst out into tears but she managed to hold it together even punched me in the arm.

Sam told me I wasn't going to die because she loved me and wouldn't let me die.

She stayed for a bit then kissed me on the forehead through her mask and then left.

I hear the door open its Maggie my friend I made Sam go to prom with because I couldn't.

Maggie isn't big on words I can tell something's wrong before she opens her mouth there's a jagged cut above her eye and her suits messed up.

She's wearing a sling and as she begins to talks I can see tears slowly stream down her, "Luna I don't know what happened, we were leaving prom Sam wanted to see you before I took her home, this truck came out of nowhere and.."

She starts to choke on her words, I try to sit up quickly but fail so I just ask frantically "Where's Sam?"

She can't meet my eyes anymore, "I don't.. can't I was supposed to protect her for you I can't.. I failed."

The stress of what I'm hearing is too much for my system and I pass out.

I wake up I don't know how much later but my families there and so is Maggie passed out in a chair.

I remember Sam and I start to get worked up again but my pops sees it and quickly gets me to breathe.

"Calm down Luna or you'll pass out again."

I managed to calm down and asked again "What happened where is Dan?"

My mom looks at me and starts crying.

My dad pats her on the shoulder "Last night after prom Maggie was driving Ellie and they were hit by a drunk driver, it was a passenger side collision and Sam took a lot of damage."

"She was in emergency surgery for six hours but they managed to pull her through but she's in a coma."

I don't know what to do I feel like I'm going to pass out again.

I look at my dad and day what I'm thinking "I want to see her!'

More tear rolls down my mother's face "Luna you can't, you know you can't leave the clean room."

I don't say it out of loud but screw the damn clean room, I don't care if it kills me I need to see Sam I need to be with her so I know she'll be okay.

A day goes by and there's no change in her condition.

I finish my chemo the doctors are certain that its killed off my bone marrow.

But they're worried my system might be agitated by my emotional transplant to take properly.

I manage to convince them though, the sooner I'm out of this room the sooner I can see Sam.

Maggie stopped just short of threatening them when she heard they didn't want to do the transplant.

She was wracked with guilt and needed to donate some of her marrow to me to feel like she was doing something.

I met Mags through an interhospital program when I was there during my second occurrence.

Maggie had been in the hospital psych ward after she slashed her wrists.

Maggie has chronic depression skinny other things.

I think the docs reasoning was that maybe if they could show her someone around her age who was dying but still optimistic maybe it would rub off on her.

It took awhile but eventually we became best friends and it must have been kismet cause we discovered she was a near perfect bone marrow match to me.

Maggie thinks she owes me for turning her life around, she has eyes for I've been of my sister's and thinks she's sly, but I owe her just as much.

Finally after two days of her almost never leaving my room I turn to her and day she has to leave.

"Luna, I'm sorry please don't hate me."

I look at Maggie and shake my head "No that's not what I mean I know it's not your fault there's no one I trust more with Sam then you."

"That's why I need you to be with her. I need to be by her side to make sure she's not alone but I can't so I need you to be there for me."

Maggie shakes his head not quite understanding but in the end after some more encouragement she goes.

I don't blame her for what happened to Sam the truth is I blame myself.

If it wasn't for me Ellie wouldn't have been there in the first place.

I think back to a few days after my reoccurrence I'd been in bed and Sam had been with me.

She made an off handed comment about how she was disappointed that we wouldn't be able to go to prom anymore.

I told her that just because I couldn't go that she shouldn't she'd already had her dress and the tickets.

I said she should take Maggie because it probably wasn't a good idea for her to be alone on prom night anyway.

She hit me and said not to joke about that I laughed and said Maggie would have thought it was funny she had a really dark sense of humor.

Ellie asked me how I'd feel about someone making cancer jokes I smirked and said it would suck because there's never any good ones.

She hit me again and asked why she went out with me.

I smiled putting my arms around her and told her it was because she loved me and she had a thing for bald girls.

She laughed and rubbed my head then kissed me and said it was the last one until I was better.

But now she was lying in a hospital bed and the only thing I could do was send the only girl less stable than me to keep her company.

When the doctors told me that the transplant hadn't taken I was so mad I wanted to kill someone.

I didn't care about myself but I needed to see Ellie it had been over two weeks and her wasn't looking good she wasn't showing any brain function.

The transplant not taking meant the cycle would have to start all over again.

That night I spent the entire night yelling at god in my own head for what had happened to Ellie and what was keeping me away from her.

I cursed, and pleaded, and even tried to make deal after deal.

The next day I got my sister to get Maggie to come see me.

It took some convincing but I got her to leave me alone with Maggie then asked her hardest question I could.

"What is it like to want to die."

Maggie looked uncomfortable but then answered "It's hard to explain I've never wanted to die, just never to have been alive, death is just the next best thing."

I looked at her trying to understand she saw the confusion and continued "Depression doesn't make you sad it's crueler than that."

"It leaves you unable to feel happy then when you try everything and you just keep failing to find happiness you start feeling like nothing matters."

"That's when the trouble starts and you go to extremes of emotions some people do drugs, some people try sex and some people self mutilate because they just need to feel something even if its pain but eventually even that fails."

Maggie has always worn long sleeves as long as I've know her.

She rolled up her sleeves to show deep scarring along her wrists as well as hundreds of scars across her arms.

"When you can't feel anything anymore you go to a dark place where you feel like nothing matters and believe anything would be better than existing without purpose."

Having said more than she usually says all day Maggie sits down away from the bed and looks down at the floor rolling her sleeves back up again.

I stare at her and say "What did you find, to make life matter."

She lets out a hollow laugh "You, I saved you with my bone marrow and that made me matter."

I stare at her for a moment before saying "I'm sorry I let you down dude."

That gets her attention "You didn't, I shouldn't have said that, none of this is your fault I'll find something new to hold onto, I was so far gone before but now I know I can matter."

I stare at her and see and something I've never noticed in her before.

"Maggie you're stronger than I've ever given you credit for, but I need you to be a little bit stronger."

Maggie perks up but waits for me to continue

"Sam is why I matter and I need you do help me do one more thing for her."

The few days are a blur I feel an edge of excitement but it's also tainted by guilt I make sure to spend some time alone with each of my sibs.

Whatever adrenaline my body had been holding out on me has rushed to the surface of course in my current state it gives me the strength of a toddler but it will have to do.

After visiting hours end Maggie arrives in my room with a wheelchair.

I don't know how she got the uniform but I don't ask she lifts me off the bed and into the wheelchair and puts a mask on me.

She looks out the door to make sure the coast is clear.

It's the first time I've been out of my room in three weeks and it feels so strange and cold.

Maggie pushes me as fast as she can without drawing suspicion.

As when enter the room she stops me in front of Sam's be.

A rush of both happiness and sadness wash over me I haven't seen her in since before prom.

Sam and Maggie had come to see me before they went to the dance.

Sam had made it a must if she was even going to go.

When I saw her, my heart had started to double it's beat, she'd worn the most beautiful dress but she didn't need it she was the most beautiful girl I'd ever met.

Maggie had worn a rented tux, and I wasn't too proud to admit she looked damn fine as well.

I'd been so happy she'd get to go and so sad it wasn't with me.

In this room with her now everything was so different alien.

She was lying lifeless in bed, her skin was pale as her bed sheet and her face was covered in scars.

Now she wore pale blue hospital clothes and had tubes running into and out of her.

I wanted to cry but I knew I had to be strong for her.

I looked at Maggie and motioned to the bed she looked nervous as if she was fighting the urge to grab the wheel chair and turn around.

But then something changed in her eyes as she made her choice.

She picked me up and put me in bed with Sam she tucked me in.

Then without a hint of shame she stripped down and put on patient gown.

Having finished her mission she had sneak back to my bed so no one noticed I was missing.

I lay next to Sam for a while just watching her pending she was just asleep after three weeks I was finally with her.

I just stared and said "I know I was supposed to wait till I was better but I couldn't."

I kissed her forehead then cuddled next to her and fell asleep listening to her heart beat.

The next two days were a of trouble the doctors lectured me on leaving the clean room my parents were just do disappointed.

Sam's parents were Evangelical Christians had never approved of and weren't impressed they got a restraining order against me which was actually kind of funny.

I'd forced Maggie into a corner, she knew she would be in a lot of trouble so after spending the night pretending to be me she had darted at the first alarm.

I'm not sure where sure but where she went but asked my sister Luan to watch out for her.

On the third day the worst fears were confirmed I'd contracted an infection and with no immune system to fight it my prognosis was dower..

My only regret was how I'd left my family and Maggie I spent the whole day talking with my with my family before I couldn't fight it anymore.

My parents did their best to be strong for me and hide their own feelings.

My siblings not so much done were angry at how selfish I'd been, other question how I could be so stupid.

I couldn't blame them so I just made sure they knew I loved them and that I knew they loved me.

Finally I slipped into a coma after that I can't really explain what happened, I guess I left my body I floated above the room.

I watched silent events my parents and siblings crying as the alarms on machines went off.

I saw the doctors rush in and after a real bgood fight drop the mic and call it.

I saw the doctor giving my family the news that might have been the hardest part.

Then I was transported to a train, where Maggie was crying in a locked bathroom she had a rucksack and was rifling through it desperately.

She pulled out a Ziploc bag and from inside it she took out a razor blade.

I screamed for her to stop but no sound came from my mouth.

I tried to grab it away but my hands passed through it harmlessly,there was nothing I could do.

She started to put the razor blade to her throat, one cut and no one would be able help her.

Then at the last second she stopped she got up and threw the nose in the toilet, grabbed some paper and cleaned up her face then left.

I watched as she sat down in an empty row and pulled out her phone, I don't know how but I knew she was chasing like calling my sister.

I drifted away after that then I was sitting alone in an empty club music started pouring in without an obvious source.

Stairway to Heaven if you can believe it, a bit on the nose but after I'd been half expecting to hear Highway to Hell I didn't mind.

I looked around everything felt so real the smelln of cheap beer and old cigarette smoke, the greasy glare of the floor.

The only strange thing was that I didn't feel weak, I felt like I had before the relapse, I was healthy.

I grabbed a seat a at the bar, I didn't see anyone else but somehow I felt like everything was alright, or at least that it would be.

I almost didn't hear her approach until she smacked me across the forehead.

I looked at her my my jaw dropped it was Sam not in her hospital gown, with scars and tubes but back in that beautiful dress full of life.

She glared at me "That was really fucking stupid, sometimes I don't know why I'm with you."

She sat down beside me and put her and through my hair then before I could speak she kissed me.

Then smiled and said "I mean it's not even like you're bald."

I laughed and kissed her back, I was exactly where I belonged at her side.


End file.
